After the goodbye...

Believe it or not, the goodbye is the easiest part of deployment. Don't get me wrong. I had tears flowing! I may or may not have had a breakdown two days ago and sobbed like a kid. I won't cop to it. I hate crying.

After the goodbye, the loneliness sets in for me. I come back to the house and I know it won't be full until he is back. This year, I have Kinley. I am hoping this helps me focus and hopefully helps time go a little faster. The past two deployments I had my trusted buddy, Boone. He may not have been able to talk back but just having him in the house made all the difference. I am sad to face this deployment without him. I am very thankful to have AK friends to help through this lonely time. But Aaron is my best friend. I need him.

After the goodbye, fear sets in for me. The fear that our goodbye may have been our last. I really try not to dwell on the idea but fear is a powerful thing. Some days are worse than others. Days before he leaves I start trying to make metal notes. Mental notes about his voice, facial expressions, mannerisms, etc... Anything and everything I can soak up about him. And months before, I start taking a lot of pictures and videos. I am sure it annoys Aaron. But if anything ever happens and he doesn't come home, I want to be able to see and hear him until the day we meet again.

After the goodbye, the memories set in for me. I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse to have gone through multiple deployments. No two deployments are the same, I know this but I have some unpleasant memories from our first deployment. They are always in the back of my mind.

And finally, after the goodbye, guilt sets in for me. Aaron has always been by my side when I needed him. He has been an amazing support system. When I hurt, he was there. When I needed someone to tell me things were going to be OK, he was there. He always manages to make a crappy situation better. I feel guilty I can't be there to support him. I know I can write letters and send packages but that doesn't seem like enough. War is dangerous. War is nasty. War is ugly. I hate that I can't be there to help him through it. To hug him and tell him that everything is going to be OK. I hate that he has had to see/experience ugly things. I hate knowing these things can/will enter his life again.

I know that the loneliness, fear, memories and guilt will follow me throughout this deployment. But I know I am strong enough to handle it. And every bit of loneliness, fear, bad memories and guilt I will feel is worth it to be married to my best friend.

Her 1st Birthday!

Just a few pictures I took that day! We celebrated a little early since we had family in town. Not to mention we were arriving back in AK at 5:00 AM the day of her actual birthday. I knew it would be tough to throw a party that day. It was a lot of fun! We had our family here and our AK family here.

Briana helped me make the cake. I ruined most of it. It turned out OK. Not at all what I had in my mind but then I did watch a lot of Charm City Cakes. Who can live up to that?! :)  I do know that I have many years of practice ahead of me. It will be fun to get it just right for her every year.

I didn't realize how fast time flies when you have kids! The first year flew so quickly, I find myself morning it a bit. I want her to stay little forever! I want her to need her mommy forever! I am greedy. I know this! I am certainly savoring every minute I can with her. Before I know it she will be 16! UGH!

I'm behind, way behind...

Well since Halloween, my life has been a little crazy. First visitors, then first birthdays, followed by a family vacation to Hawaii!

First up: An awesome visit with Ryan (Aaron's brother) and Briana!

 The brothers went fishing...

 and hunting...

 Uncle Ryan and Aunt Briana got to love on Kinley...

 we took them to freeze in Talkeetna...

 Briana and I showed off our strength on our way to Byron Glacier in Whitter, AK...

 posed for family photos...

 more posing...

 crossing fingers the glacier doesn't buckle...

 showed off the enormity of the glacier...

 and of course had to taste it!

Their time here was way too short! It was awesome having them here! It is weird to say but I never realize how much I miss people until I see them again. Now, if we can only convince them to leave their beach life in NJ! :)

Happy Halloween!

...from our little candy corn!

Kinley's first pumpkin

 We carved Kinley's 1st pumpkin last night. She was in charge of spoons.

 I stripped her down because I thought she would like getting messy. Not so much!

 Aaron hollowed out the pumpkin and moved it towards her. She didn't want anything to do with it. She cried!

 Once daddy calmed her down, it was back to her spoon.

 I swear she thinks we were crazy!

 Looking at the pumpkin close up with no tears!

 Feeling a little better about it.

 Maybe they can be friends!

Maybe not. :)

I love Halloween parties!

 Bridget, Jamie and I all hosted the 1-40 CAV women's coffee this month. (We are Scrabble letters in case you couldn't tell. I hope you could!)  We wanted to do something fun! So we made a yummy meal of gross things!

Are you hungry now?

1-40 CAV Yellow Garter Event

We got to participate in a Yellow Garter event a few weeks ago. It was a blast! We got to see/do some of the things our husbands do every day. The hurry up and wait was annoying, but other than that it was awesome! For those of you that don't know, Aaron is the 1-40 CAV C-Troop Commander. It was the other C-Troop wives and I that made up Team 1 & 2. There were teams there from every troop (i.e. Alpha, Bravo, Delta & HHT).

The yellow garter is another great Cavalry tradition. It goes along with the solider and their spur ride. Below is a little explanation of the Order of the Yellow Garter:

"Around the late 1700's & early 1800's, wives, girlfriends and fiancées of the Cav Troopers who protected the wagon trains headed west, would often tie a yellow scarf or ribbon around their hat, arm, or parasol. This was to show that they anxiously awaited the return of "their soldiers." Some would tie the scarf or ribbon to their purse, or wear yellow ribbons in their hair to show support.

Over the years this idea has taken many forms, such as the wearing of yellow ribbons or tying yellow ribbons on trees and houses.

Cavalry tradition has it that when a new wife came to her first Hail and Farewell she was welcomed into the "Order of the Garter" by the most junior officer or non-commissioned officer. This Trooper would welcome each wife by placing a yellow garter on her leg and a kiss on her cheek for good luck at her new post. The wife was encouraged to wear her "yellow garter" to all Cavalry functions or when her Trooper was deployed."

Different soldiers and husbands caught the madness of our day...

 

 We ran about 1/2 mile. They would have done it in a lot less time if it wasn't for me! I hate running. I really hate running with Army gear on.We were still the fastest team that day.

 

 

  The previous 4 pictures were us at the jump tower. We were briefed on how to hurl yourself out  of the 34 foot tower. It sounded easy, then I climbed to the top! You were supposed to jump out from the platform, I just stepped off. Aaron said I was lucky I didn't hit my butt! He was up in the tower cheering me on. He was awesome and video taped everyone of the Chaos ladies jumping out of the tower. They kept telling us that jumping out of a 34 ft tower was no scarier than jumping out of a 100 ft tower. I'm not sure I believe that but they say it is a proven theory. I am just glad I got the 34 ft tower! It was scary and awesome at the same time. It only took me a few minutes to jump out. Once you jumped the scary part was over. After that you just enjoyed the ride! Oh, and prayed you didn't kick the soldier at the end who was trying to unhook you!

 

I learned how to drive a humvee. Not a comfortable ride at all! I went over the suggested speed limit. 

Shhh, don't tell anyone.

 We learned how to use the M4. I wasn't do great at keep the safety on. Oops! Also, we learned how to clear a room. And by room I mean, a fake room in a gravel parking lots with tape on the ground depicting the walls.

That is my friend Bridget in the foreground. I am in the back. Aaron is trying to help me practice for the shooting event. We got 15 rounds and a target to hit. I didn't go great. The solider counted that I hit 10. They were all together in one bunch right below the target. I think he counted generously! I wish I could do it again. Although, I would want to do it with no one else shooting. It was nerve wracking! I would get ready to shoot and everyone else started to shoot. Guns are just not my thing.

Chaos team #1 with our walker (soldier who took us from event to event and put up with our crap all day), SGT Walker. 

All in all it was a really fun day! I don't know how Aaron does it all the time. I was exhausted at the end of the day. And the next day my neck was killing me! But it was totally worth the experience! Thanks 1-40 soldiers for making such a great even for us!

The wives got their yellow garters at the ball. Me, getting mine. :)

My team minus one showing off our garters. Thanks for a great day ladies! Oh, I look classy with the beer right?! It wasn't even mine! I swear.

A Ball & A Pumpkin

This past weekend was a fun one around here. Friday night, Aaron and I attended the 1-40 CAV ball at the Hilton. It was a lot of fun! There were great decorations, food, drinks, music and of course people! There is a lot that goes into a military ball. I love all the traditions of the CAV! But there are also sad parts of the night like the playing of taps for the fallen. And the empty place setting explained below:

"The following may be used when appropriate to present the Toast to fallen Comrades and to explain the significance of the dedicated place setting when it is used:

"You may have noticed the small table set for one that is off on its own - it is reserved to honour our fallen comrades in arms. This symbolizes that they are with us, here in spirit. We should never forget the brave men and women who answered our nation's call [to serve] and served the cause of freedom in a special way. We are ever mindful that the sweetness of enduring peace has always been tainted by the bitterness of personal sacrifice. We are compelled to never forget that while we enjoy our daily pleasures, there are others who have endured the agonies of pain, deprivation and death.

I would like to explain the meaning of the items on this special table.

• The table is round - to show our everlasting concern for our fallen comrades.
• The tablecloth is white - symbolizing the purity of their motives when answering the call to duty.
• The single red rose, displayed in a vase, reminds us of the life of each of our fallen comrades, and the loved ones and friends of these comrades who keep the faith.
• The vase is tied with a red ribbon, symbol of our continued determination to remember our fallen comrades.
• A slice of lemon on the bread plate is to remind us of the bitter fate of those who will never return.
• A pinch of salt symbolizes the tears endured by the families of those who have sacrificed all.
• The Holy Book represents the strength gained through faith to sustain those lost from our country.
• The glass is inverted, they cannot toast with us at this time.
• The chair is empty because they are no longer with us."

There is also a grog. A giant bowl filled with whatever the different troop commanders want to put in it. I have seen liquor, beer, dried spices and even socks. Yes, it is gross! It all has special meaning which makes it interesting and this year I even tasted it. It was so disgusting! But it was fun none the less. Here are some pics from the night:

 Aaron and his XO and 1SGT.

 The ladies and I having fun!

 Most of you know I am not this tall. Aaron is usually at least a good 5-6 inches taller than me. I forgot to get my dressed hemmed so the day before I went on a shoe run. My friend, Heather, was gracious enough to come shopping and help me find the tallest shoes we could find. It worked! They were actually not to uncomfortable and they did the job! I didn't trip on my dress at all that night. Surprising.

Taken with our tri-pod and remote at home. Not bad if I would have remembered to move the sippy cup and blanket. Such is the life of parents I guess!

Saturday, we woke up and decided to go to the reindeer farm for a pumpkin. Alaska is nothing like home when it comes to fall. There are no cider mills, pumpkins patches or apple orchards. So for the past 2 Halloweens, I have bought my pumpkin out of a cardboard box from Wal-Mart. So depressing! 

So this year the reindeer farm in Palmer decided to step up to the plate and have a little 'pumpkinville' moment (those back home know what I am talking about here. But it was no even close to as good!). They had a hayride, hay maze, pony rides and a pumpkin patch. Well sort of...the lady told us she was going to buy pumpkins from Sam's Club and toss then out into a field. It was still better than a Wal-Mart pumpkin!

Below were the some pictures from the adventure:

 

A great fun family day!